Lately it seems lists have taken over my life. They are everywhere - on an "o" ring full of little index cards affixed to my fridge handle...post-it notes on my laptop, printer and even the bureau. Things to do, places to check-out for possible jobs, cards to send, daily chores, bills needing to be paid.
And then there are the lists in my head - a running tally of my bank account, the amount of gas in my car, a mental snapshot of my calendar.
Finally, there is my secret list - the one I've been keeping in my heart. A running list of paybacks.
"Living within your means": I was raised in a home where money was scarce. When the car broke down or you didn't have money for gas, you walked or took the bus. When the roof caved in, you moved out of that room and shut it off. When there was no food, you went to school hungry.
When there was money you used it to pay what you owed because it was more important to be out of debt and beholden to none than to have a washing machine, a dog, a senior class ring, a prom dress, food. You worked hard for everything you had in life and if you found yourself with extra you gave it to someone who needed it. More importantly, when you could get to church, you put something in the offering plate to thank God for, well, having something to put in the offering plate!
As an adult I treated my friends to lunch, coffee or a movie. While shopping, if I saw something that reminded me of someone or found something they had told me they wanted and it was on sale, I'd buy it. Happy because I could surprise them with a gift that meant something to them. On Sundays at church, I wrote a check and put it in the offering plate. Finally, because I had more than what I needed, I gave it away whether it was household items, food or money.
I was a responsible grown-up with an income, giving back to the world. To me, it was a good balanced life. The right way of being a friend and a citizen. It built character. I was living a life where I would never be a burden or beholden to another soul.
The "coffers* jar": My A/C in my car broke the day I moved to Oklahoma. For three years I drove in heat I had never felt before, even as a child in Texas. This past winter my car window broke and because I was holding down several part-time jobs while going to school, I had some money to fix it. It cost almost $400. When the other window broke this spring, there was no extra money in the coffers. So using superglue and strapping tape, I fixed the window. Cost me under $2 and it has held firm ever since.
Without a job in sight, money has been tight. I pay my bills and if I want something else, I reach for my "coffers jar." A tall green vase I dump any "new found money" such as pay for an hour of research, change I have in my pockets, money I pick up off the ground or find in my car or even as I unpack (how do coins end-up in a packing box?).
I use this money to treat my goddaughter to a lunch after a roadtrip to Fleet Farm, to pay for my lunch when visiting an old friend, to treat my dearest Aunt to a cup of coffee at a bookstore or for an unplanned moment of happiness like finding a rare treasure for 26¢ at a junk shop.
I clip coupons and plan any car trip carefully so as not to waste gas. My utilities are bare bones and I feel pretty good about the fact that I have been eeking out my savings for a couple of months now. But the money is dwindling fast and it is taking longer than I expected to find any work. Even a housekeeping job at the local power plant has dried up for now.
The payback list: A friend invites me to the movies and pays for my ticket. It goes on the list. A couple of friends and I check-out a winery and they buy me dinner and a flight of wine. On the list. I invite a friend to lunch who once again pays my bill. I add it to their column on the list. Kids come over and do yardwork and because I cannot pay them, I add them to my list. When the offering plate is handed to me and its not the first of the month where I have balanced my budget and determined what I had so I could put a check in the plate, well, I pass the plate on and add another debt to my secret list.
If I can barter, trade a service, it doesn't go on the list. I make a quilt, a tote bag, help out at their house, give them fabric to make their own quilt or create a basket of table runners, placemats, aprons and napkins from my huge stash of cloth for the church to sell at our upcoming Heritage festival. It keeps debts off my payback list.
A piece of the puzzle: In late August I realized I had enough in my "coffers jar" to have lunch with an old friend, buy a scoring card at a baseball game and write-out a check for our new church cookbook that holds my grandma's recipe for my birthday cake. I felt kinda proud of my frugality and self-sufficiency.
This past Friday was one of those amazingly great days full of potential for job seeking, connections with old friends, hope for a way to give back to the community using my legal skills as a volunteer and word that my best friend in law school had passed the Oklahoma Bar. But I was restless, cranky and fitful. As one of my cousins would say, "I totally lost it." And a couple of fistful of tissues later, I realized what was bothering me. No matter how hard I tried to stand my ground in being self-sufficient, paying my own way in life, I had become a burden.
I knew what I had to do. If I can't pay my way, I should spend my time hunkered down looking harder for a real job instead of socializing. Research ways to further stretch whatever money I did have. And that money in the "coffers jar"? Well, I should put that away for an unexpected bill or use it to begin whittling away at that payback list or give it to someone in need. Yes, I actually wrote that down on my plan: Give the coffers jar money to someone in need.
All because I had kept this running tally in my heart. A record of all the paid for lunches, coffees, movies, wine tastings, groceries and chores stored up into a huge debt. A huge debt, shadowing my soul.
Now I had a plan all mapped out late Friday evening. A strategy to no longer be a burden or beholden to my friends. But when I woke up this morning, the heaviness was still there. How could I ever payback this debt?
You know when you work a puzzle and keep looking for the right piece that fits? How some pieces seem to fit but they just don't make that certain clicking sound the right piece makes when you slide it into place?
After church today as I was exiting "my" pew, a fellow chuch member approached me and asked me three questions: Do you like Tomatoes? (Yes!) Do you like green beans? (even raw!) What about brocolli? (are you freaking kidding me? Love it!).
I thought she was going to give me a recipe and began rummaging in my handbag for a pen and paper to write it down. Instead, as I looked up she was holding a paper sack and said "I had a bunch of extra stuff I harvested from my garden so I put them in this bag and brought it to church thinking I'd find someone who would take them. When I saw you, I knew I was supposed to give it to you."
Click.
I am not a burden. I am someone who needs something another person has extra of and wants to pass on.
I am not beholden. And while I still have a hard time grappling with this, it seems I may be someone loved so much by friends and family that spending time with me is important to them. This may mean a shared lunch, cup of coffee, baseball game or a gift of something they saw while out shopping and knew I needed. Its not about spending money on me because I am poor, its about sharing their harvest with someone they love.
I am very poor. And very hard-headed. And a little too big for my britches sometimes as my Aunt Marty would say. More sense than common sense and sometimes God has to work hard at getting my attention about something.
But I am not a burden. I am not beholden.
With a simple gift of green beans, fresh brocolli and tomatoes in a paper sack, my secret payback list was abandoned.
Life really is a circle. What goes around comes around. Give when you can and take what you need. And a dozen other little sayings I know by heart but apparently have forgotten to apply to my own life.
Some lessons take time and courage for me. Some lessons in courage are harder than others. Accepting gifts, taking what I need, asking for help, learning to be on the receiving end of life...well, its new territory for me and another lesson to be learned.
So, I'm sorry if I have been avoiding your calls to get together. I'm sorry if I told you in person, a letter or an email that your buying/giving/sharing with me made me your burden. I'm sorry I have a little more pride than common sense sometimes.
So, if you want to have lunch sometime or buy me a cup of coffee when my "coffers jar" is bare, or give me a jar of pickles, some meat from your locker, leftovers from a shared meal or even split peanuts at a game. Okay. I will thank you sincerely and I won't make one tally mark on some secret payback list I used to hold in my heart.
I promise.
* coffer [ˈkɒfə]
n
1. a chest, esp for storing valuables
2. (usually plural) a store of money
Proverbs 2:10 "[F]or wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul..."
It seems only fitting that you receive a treat for reading such a long blog posting. Here is my favorite cake recipe. I like it plain but you can dust it with confectioner's sugar. My family usually serves this with a scoop of fruited Jello on the side. Found on pg. 171 of the 2012 Urland Lutheran Church Cookbook and worth every penny...at least, that's my 2¢!
Grandma Oleson's Oatmeal Cake Recipe (aka "Penny's Birthday Cake")
1 1/2 c. boiling water
1 c. quick-cooking oats
1/2 c. Crisco, oleo or butter (depression-era cake!)
1 c. white sugar
1 c. brown sugar
2 eggs
Sift together:
1 1/2 c. flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. nutmeg
1/2 tsp. salt
Pour the hot water over the oats and let stand 20 minutes. Cream shortening with the sugars. Add the eggs, one at a time and beat well. Add the oatmeal mixutre and mix well. Add the dry ingredients. Pour the batter into a greased and floured 9x9 inch pan (or any small square or round pan). Bake at 350 degrees F for about 30 minutes.. Test with a toothpick in the middle. If its clean, its done. Let cool before serving. By the way, I rarely let it cool before serving...myself!
